CHOOJIAHUI / OCTOBER 25, 1994 / CBOX / (JIAMING)

This post is two days late, cause my internet was down for the past two days.

MY GOD MY GOD OH MY GOD.

Seriously, i know you can't see my expression but please understand that this is not going to be a happy post. NO WHERE NEAR.

Our level, 38 students WITHOUT a CCA.

Poofth, if only life could be any more coincidental, im one of the 38.

Yesyesyes, shock? Gasps? Horror? Whatever you want.

I GOT REJECTED FOR LD! YESSS, OH MY GOD. I practically felt like crying out loud. Yes. I felt like throwing myself to the floor and start crying my ass off. Immediately. Really, i was THIS close to doing that.

I was, surely, over-confident. I was, definitely, not aware of how miserable THIS STATE IS. If only i'd known, I'd just have gone for that ONE MORE AUDITION. Instead of just walking off thinking i should be fine with my first two. IF ONLY I HAD GONE! But then again, this is not self-reproaching session. Its the past now. Even if the reality hurts THIS MUCH, who'd understand. All people do now is go round flashing their pearly whites and going 'HI JIAHUI! WHAT CCA DID YOU GET INTO?' or for those less elated ones, 'OH MY GOD, I JUST GOT INTO ____! WHAT DID YOU GET INTO?!'.

Right. Hur, thanks for asking. I don't have a CCA.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY MILLION TIMES I HAD TO SAY THAT SINCE MONDAY.

No one would know how miserable and pathetic it feels to be in my state now, would they? Seriously. You say you understand - but no, you don't.

I'm desperate, D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E.

And piss off to the people who tell me you got into LD and that you actually didn't really want. Ohyeah, THANKS SO SO SO MUCH, that reaaaallly makes me feel a hell lot better. Say im pathetic, say im egoistical, say i wont change, say i dont learn from mistakes - but its so freaking undeserving!

Yes, surely, LD's definitely in demand. HIGH DEMAND. But the fact that people go LD for their name is just.. UNFAIR. Seriously. But then again, who'd understand, right?

Anyway, what's over is over. How hard i take the news, how badly i wanted it, how strong the blow was to me, no one would know. Its just up to choir. Choir's my only chance, my only hope! Well, BAND TOO, but yeah. CHOIR IS MY SECOND CHOICE! And yes, reaudits for choir tomorrow. Wish me well, its my third attempt. But i've got to be thick-skinned if i want to make it through.

On the last note, i wanted LD so bad. THIS BAD. That i would squat outside the judge's house for 24hours, or more if they wanted. Or maybe, like mary anne said, just ONE reaudition. But its full, they won't take more, they won't take less.

CHOIR CHOIR CHOIR CHOIR CHOIR! That's what i want now, really. However much i still DREAM of getting into LD, choir's my realistic dream! And i hope im not THAT pathetic.

***

- Chijmes trip tomorrow. Clashes with audits so i will have to go later.

- IPW, grouping. (?!) And its due in 10 weeks.

- I should have lessons on how to stop crying myself to sleep.

- CCAs are bothering me too much, far too much. The world would spin more nicely if i can get into Choir. I miss the primary days, we didn't have to care about ANYTHING.


The world seems to be turning in the opposite direction im facing. Everything is going wrong for me, REALLY WRONG. But i am TRYING MY BEST to be positive and optimistic that we've got a second chance for choir audits.

At least my prediction that the internet would be up by the time i was home was right. I would be euphoric if i got into choir, now. More like if i got a CCA, NOW.

And i need a change of seats! I seriously can't see the other side of the board from where im sitting. Cause the teacher cant be bothered to shut the door to prevent the sunlight from shining on the BLACKboard, making nothing visible! RAH.